at the end of the day

This has been a week for me. It's the first time since having Brody and choosing to stay home with him that I've just felt completely burned out (heart winces at admission). No patience, lots of frustrations, and tears followed quickly by mountains of guilt. Guilt because in my  mind I'm thinking "I want a break, I just want to run away!" Guilt because as soon as I think those thoughts I feel like I'm betraying my son, my love. Guilt because I love him so much and I know I am blessed to be able to stay home with him.
This week I think I finally realized that being a stay at home mom is hard work, and up until this week I may have underestimated the time and effort and love it takes to stay home. It's none stop laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping. It's always thinking of everyone else in your family first. It's constantly keeping track of feedings and clean diapers. It's feeling completely under appreciated at the end of the day. There are no such things as "quick" errands. Gone are spontaneous overnight trips. Planning is the new spontaneity.  And at the end of the day, after bath time, story time and Brody's final feeding; after he is tucked snug in his crib, I may just get to relax. It's a conscious effort to not try and cram a few more things into my day. I could be emptying the dishwasher, going through the pile of mail, stuffing diapers. I could be searching online for bridesmaid dresses or making a menu for the upcoming week, but I make myself sit down. I sink into the couch, cover up with a soft blanket, the fuzzy warm one if Jeff hasn't gotten to it first, and let out a long deep breath. Relax. I get to enjoy being in just Jeff's company.  My partner in life, my best friends and Brody's amazing daddy. We talk about our days, laugh about stupid stuff. We look through the pictures I captured of Brody throughout the day....it hits me then. In winding down, no matter how stressed or frustrated I may get that are too many magical moments I get to experience with my son throughout our day to want it any other way. I will gladly take overflowing laundry baskets, poopy diapers and constant chasing of dust bunnies over missing Brody's constant smiles and hugs and wet kisses (OK so maybe he's accidentally pushing his drooling mouth on my face, but I'll take it). He's the pulse at the base of our family. He's brought us closer together. He's taught us unconditional love and the pure bliss of life. If I just learn to be still in moments of exhaustion and stress; if I still myself and watch him, if only for a second, I am reminded why I choose to stay home and why it's all worth it.

Starting off 7 Months old with silly faces

 

                                                              Going for our first jog

Discovering how fun paper is

Hoping mom doesn't take it away

Shopping for tools