It takes repetition to learn

I keep telling myself I won't go so far in-between posts. Then I question…does it matter? Who really reads it anyway? And then I stop. Wait a minute, Riley. Didn't you start this for you? Wasn't this a way for you to express yourself? Isn't this your way to emotionally spew, no matter who reads it? Ah…that's right. I started this for me. And crazy busy life jumps in the way. Excuses, tiredness, TV shows, I let them all get in the way of what is so important to myself: Expression. I need this. I need to have this conversation with myself…with you. It doesn't matter who reads it, it's about putting my feelings, my fears, my worries, my joy … it's about putting it into words. Words that I can look back on, learn from.

The other day I was reading a journal from 2007. Man…2007 revealed a girl who was lost, angry. I didn't know who I was, what I was meant to do. I flailed around making mistake after mistake. Grasping for anything to make sense and reveal to me who I was supposed to be. I was disappointing myself, which made me feel like I must be disappointing my family too. Ya know what's funny? The consistent thing that kept popping up in my writing? God. No joke. Over and over I would say "I know I need God in my life. Doing this alone is too hard." Here I am 7 years later and I still say that same thing. You would think after 7 years I'd catch on. Being a wife, and a mother, and trying to keep myself  as an individual amongst it all is HARD. And I foolishly think I have to figure it out all by myself. The great thing is I don't! I have to remind myself of that. When I'm losing patience, turn to God. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, whisper His name. As my Dad likes to remind me, God doesn't give us more than we can handle. So when I start fearing the birth of our second child, when I start doubting my ability as a mother, I have to remember God would not have blessed us with Brody and another on the way if He didn't know I could handle it. 1 Peter 5:7 says "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" Just another reminder that I don't have to "handle" everything on my own.

Being a mother is seriously terrifyingly beautiful. It's so easy to lose yourself. To forget you are also a wife. You are also an individual. Each of those versions of you needs to be nurtured. I feel like I've been selling myself short in each version. I continuously criticize my mothering abilities. I honestly forget my duties as a wife, to serve my husband; put his needs first. And as just me? I sometimes think I forget what I want and need as an individual. That part of me gets buried under everything else. It usually comes very last. So many things to work on. But ya know? None of those versions of me will ever be perfect. They don't have to be perfect. I can accept that. I am actually a little relieved by it. Perfection sounds like constant standard that leaves people lacking.  I am a constant work in progress. A beautiful work in progress. I can be happy with that.

PS I know this is all over the place. I'm usually all over the place so it's all good.
PPS It was warm enough this morning to hang clothes on the line!!