the ugly side

I've really been fighting with depression this week. Maybe even longer and it just became more difficult to ignore. I guess you could say I reached my breaking point; Jeff would say my breaking down and bawling A LOT point. It's not the first time I have dealt with depression. It is something I hate admitting to. I ridicule myself over it because I really have no reason to be depressed. It doesn't have to make sense though…does it? I know it and when to recognize it. I know when to ask family for help. And the best part: I can beat it. I have before and I will again. It's hard. It's like the snowball affect. It starts with something little like self doubt over a parenting decision. I am with Brody all day everyday and majority of the time I am calling the shots on my own. It can become overwhelming. One decision and I start questioning it. Doubting my ability as a mother which snowballs into my ability as a wife. Am I really meeting my husbands needs? Am I showing him I love him? Which bounces over to "besides my husband who can I really be me with"? And I rack my brain for friends who will love me even when they see my ugly self hate side. That's a scary side. A sad side that is another admittance I feel embarrassed to make. I start doubting myself as a person. What is lovable about me? Am I even that fun to be around? Am a really that good of a friend? I must not be I barely speak to anyone outside of my family. And the hating begins. The beating myself up begins and then I question. Do I have a life outside of my family? Am I happy? What brought me here? Did I make the right decisions? What AM I doing with my life? It's like one jab after another. It's happening and I am aware of it. I try to turn it around, think positive. Find the gifts. I read my devotional but I am not feeling a spark of "ahh that's right, Riley". No positive turn around. I think deep down maybe I don't want to see. I am playing the blame game. Why is God letting me feel this way? Then I start blaming the pregnancy. Of course! I am just highly emotional. I've got wacky hormones. It's more. I know that. It's me and it's in my control. I have to choose to control it and not let it control me.
So I look at my beautiful son and I remind myself of the wonderful gift God has blessed me with. His smiles, laughter. His hugs, kisses and cuddles. His adventurous spirit. God entrusted this little life to me and I am in awe over it. Even the moments that are hard and overwhelming…life wouldn't be the same without him. I think about the baby growing in my belly. Another gift. God knows I can handle it. He knows I can give this baby just as much love as Brody. He knows I can. My husband…my mother
gives me a much needed reminder: Marriage is work. It is constant work. It doesn't just happen. You have to put time and effort into it. It is not easy. It needs to be nurtured. She reminded me to think about what Jeff and I said in our vows. To remember what it is that kept us together through the many trials of our dating life. I think after we got married we hit cruise control. We forgot that we still have to court each other. And as with marriage, friendships need nurturing too. I think when you have a child friendships easily get pushed to the back burner. You forget how important your girlfriends are and how needed they are. You focus so much on putting your child first you forget about your needs and the support and love of friendships is so vital. As for myself. I have to shut the door on self doubt. It will get me nowhere. It will only tear me down. I have to force myself to see the positive, the gifts and most importantly I have to seek God. I will say it over and over probably but it is so easy to blame God when I start feeling depressed. So naturally I stop seeking Him. I stop seeing the gifts He has peppered my life with. I think to myself, what if I would have turned to Him the moment I started feeling depressed? I could have probably avoided this whole miserable spiral. Lesson learned. I might have to be retaught a few times. I am not good at having conversations throughout my day with Him and I think it is something that will help me the most. Feeling overwhelmed at meal time with Brody, talk to God. Feeling my thoughts sink to negativity. Get into the word. You guys…I feel foolish. This path I am on…this building my relationship with God…Satan hates it. Of course! Satan attacked me using one of my biggest weaknesses; my depression. And I let him right in. The truth is I am surrounded by beauty.
The week leading up to Easter I had an amazing God experience. I mean, rock me to my core. I  wrote about it in my  journal and I have debated sharing it here. It's such a personal moment I just haven't gotten to the sharing part yet, but it makes sense. It makes sense after have such a powerful moment with the Lord that Satan would make his ugly appearance. Believing in God, loving Him, seeking Him and building a relationship with Him does not come without it's challenges. I have to remember that. I have to remember that I don't have to feel this depression, not if I seek Him always. God is bigger than depression.