Dear Brody

Dear Brody

I lost my patience big time with you today. I mean, huge. I raised my voice at you, I stomped my feet. I pointed my finger. I yelled in exasperation. I threatened to take away all of your toys. I begged with you, I pleaded, I cried. And you, you cried, you pleaded. You refused my pleas over and over. You cried some more. I didn't even feel like myself. I felt like a fly watching myself lose control and I was wincing the whole time but I also felt like a steam engine going full boar down a hill, like I just could not stop. I pulled you up off the floor and hauled you up the stairs to your room and told you you were getting a spanking because you would not listen. And then I spanked you while you cried for me not to. Then I walked out of your room. You cried in your room. I cried at the top of the stairs. You cried yourself to sleep on the floor next to your bed. I went in your room, scooped your exhausted body into my arms and laid you down in your bed. You moaned a bit in your sleep and I wrapped my arms around you and pulled you in close, tears streaming down my face. Sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I whispered through me tears into your soft hair over and over and over.

You are still sleeping, I am still crying. I keep thinking about why I lost it, what I lost it over and I can't help but ask myself why I choose that moment to be so firm. The thing is Brody, I am learning how to pick my battles with you. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. In hindsight, I don't think this was a battle I should have picked. I wish, oh how I wish my boy, that I could go back and have a redo. I wish I would have responded differently. I can see it so clearly in my mind, the whole scenario would have been so much smoother. There wouldn't have been raised voices or hurtful words or tears of regret. What's done is done though. There aren't take backs in life. You have to live with your choices and learn from them; grow from them.

Brody, you don't understand yet, but mommy's been dealing with some issues that have been really hard. I've let them affect me as a mother, as a wife. It's a constant battle for me, and today I let it get the best of me. I gave in to all of my negative feelings, I let them consume me. And when I let that happen, I in turn, hurt your feelings. I'm sorry my love. So sorry.

When you were a baby, and we had sleepless nights together, I remember thinking how hard being a parent was and in my naive new parent mind, I told myself it would get easier once you were sleeping through the night. I quickly learned that there are always challenges when it comes to parenting. Some small little mole hills we quickly get over, others more like mountains that we can't quite figure out how to get over. I am constantly learning how to be a parent, how to navigate new phases. Right now, three seems like an incredibly hard phase. There are days Brody, that I feel like I just don't know how to get through to you. But when I stop and try to put myself in your shoes, I bet there are days you feel like you just can't get through to me. When I'm not caught up in the moment, whether it be your refusal to pick up toys, or a battle with your sister, I remember that you are JUST three and holy cow buddy, there must be so much for you to try and figure out.

I will never claim to be a perfect mom, or to have it all together. Some days I feel like I do, other days...well you live here, you know. They are hard and long and never ending. But today's episode, Brody, I don't want that to be the mom you remember. I felt like a monster mom. I can't imagine how scary I must have seemed to you. You though, through out it all, still just wanted your mom. How humbling.  I was basically throwing an adult tantrum equivalent to your three year old tantrum, but you, you wanted me none the less. You will wake up and put your arms around me and burrow your head into my neck. On your side, all will be forgiven. For me, I will not be able to let this day go. No, I will revisit it often. I will replay it in my mind, I will chastise myself for losing it.  I will guilt myself for being an awful mother. But I will also allow myself to learn from it. I know without a doubt that I will try my best to stop and think first, not react first. I will try to remember to take a few big breaths before I speak. I don't want to regret things I say to you. I don't want to say mean things out of anger and frustration. I want to think first. It won't always happen that way, I am only human after all. But I will strive for it, always. I will make it a change I will fight for because Brody, you see me. You watch and you learn. I do not want how I behaved today to be how you learn to handle your frustration and impatience. When you are having a bad day, I want to teach you that it's no one elses fault and that lashing out at the people you love isn't the answer.

Baby, I know you won't remember today. And when you wake up from your nap you will be onto something new, completely void of what went on earlier. But that doesn't excuse me for how I acted. I am the adult and I know better. I can not be sorry enough, but I know that I need to forgive myself too. We all make mistakes, and sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if we forgave and forgot and loved as simply and unconditionally as our children. See baby, you teach me lessons every day too.

I love you my sweet boy

Mommy