ramblings of a pregnant woman

I had no idea I would feel this emotional. I struggle to get through the day without crying at some point. I get my hopes up only to feel let down and at a loss. Being 39 weeks pregnant has been harder than I remember. With Brody I had such a good "what will be, will be" mentality. Lola was more of a tease. I had a weeks worth of contractions that would build up only to quit. Yet, they both came earlier than I expected. I, of course, have assumed number three will follow suit, but the truth is, I could be pregnant for another two weeks! Excepting that mere thought is near impossible. I don't want to intervene. I trust my body and I trust our sweet nugget. When he/she is ready labor will happen. However, my mind is fighting my trust. Anxious feelings build up, and I rush to worse case scenarios.  I keep reminding myself that God has a plan. He's had a plan this whole time and I just need to have faith.

Saturday night, I started having contractions 2 1/2 - 3 minutes apart lasting for around a minute. I told myself not to start timing them yet, not to get too excited but who am I kidding. The husband and I were both convinced baby was on his/her way. The first half hour flew by, the next 30 minutes I decided to get up and move around to see if they'd continue or quit. I kept feeling them. We texted our moms to update them, and then they started slowing down. Four to six minutes between contractions, but they were feeling stronger so I held on to some hope.  For the next 2 hours I kept timing them. They'd ebb and flow and when I started dozing off  because the contractions were weakening I knew our baby was not, in fact, on his/her way. It was a total blow and I wanted to bawl. At this point, all I want is to meet our child, hold him/her, count their fingers, breathe in their baby smell.

Since then I've kept my hopes in check. I've felt worse in the last week then I have for awhile which makes enjoying the last days of this pregnancy difficult. I'm so uncomfortable. I can't sleep. I have random energy boosts that always feel like they get used up cleaning up after everyone else.  Knowing I could go into labor any time is like the worse tease ever. I can't help but wonder if my water will break if I decide to run some errands. Then I play out what the hell I would do if that did in fact happen! Would I be embarrassed? Would I start crying and rush out of the store? Would anyone notice? I imagine going into labor at 3:30 in the morning like I did with Brody. Or having my water break in bed like it did with Lola. Will it happen on a sunny day? A rainy day? I wake up and think to myself, today would be a good day to have a baby, and then quickly remind myself that it will happen when it happens.

I've faithfully began rubbing Clary Sage on the inside of my ankles and lower abdomen to encourage labor. I started drinking raspberry leaf tea, and by drinking I mean gagging it down. I do not like tea. Unless it is Wild Sweet Orange prepared by a certain bestie, then I'll drink tea all day long. I take evening primrose capsules now. All those natural things to encourage labor and then some. I walk to our property down the road even though it's physical torture to waddle that far. We've driven over bumps and rode on the four wheeler. It's all in fun, with a far off hope it helps. And then I feel guilty for trying to push things along. I repeat my mantra "the baby will come when the baby is ready" and then add in "sooner rather than later would be OK" with a belly pat.

For whatever reason I assume I'll go into labor during the night, so when I wake up to another day still pregnant, the day, no matter how sunny has a shadow to it. I'm telling you, these last few weeks .... yikes. I feel like since I've assumed the baby will come early, he/she will stay in extra long...just to make an ass out of me! Those third babies, gotta keep momma on her toes! I've basically holed up at home, trying to keep it clean for the arrival. If I seem to have fallen off the face of the earth, that's because I'm barely holding my sanity together. Thank god for a patient husband, forgiving babies, and family that has been gracious enough to take our kids off our hands here and there.  Pray for me friends,  and pray for a healthy baby and delivery. We can't wait to introduce baby hoo #3 to the world.