back pain, I accept your challenge

[photo:April Sky Photography]

Heads up: I'm going to be talking about myself a lot in this post, but I promise there will be a relatable point.

On Thursday last week I hurt my back. There was not an "oh crap, my back" moment, which is actually really disappointing. I woke up feeling fine  but as the day progressed the pain increased and my movements became more and more restricted. I'm an active person. I work out almost everyday. I do HIIT workouts to twisty, bendy yoga flows. I get on the ground and play with my kids. I'm on the move a lot. And with the ridiculous snow fall happening, I've been doing more than my fair share of shoveling, because obviously the chickens need paths too. So I am blaming my pain on the snow...and I suppose the chickens too. Why  not? Anyways, I managed to get into the chiropractor Thursday night before they closed and sure enough, I irritated the disc between L3 and L4. Inflamed got tossed around. No forward folding or twisting. No shoveling. Limit picking up children (ha ha). Take it easy was thrown in for good measure. None of those things are conducive for a mom to three.

I have gone over a week with  pain and restricted movement and I am so incredibly frustrated. And I have also realized that up until this point I  have taken my able moving body totally for granted. I don't like asking for help. I don't like being limited. I don't like constant pain. I've been near tears and break downs more times than I can count. I feel extremely short tempered with my family even though none of this is their fault. I'm mad that whatever I did to my back can't be fixed over night. Also, just for good measure, I am so dang mad at the snow and frigid temperatures! Why is this something you care about, you might be wondering. Well...maybe it's not. But I like to find lessons in situations. If only to help me get through them. And maybe I want a "hey, I've been there, you can get through this."

OK well maybe there isn't a point. Maybe I just need to vent. And maybe by mid-week next week I will feel like myself again and forget all about this miserable weekend. But I hope I don't forget. I hope this teaches me to appreciate my body more and the ease of movement I experience on a daily basis. I hope it gives me understanding and compassion for those who experience chronic pain.

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Here's what I've decided: I'm not going to allow myself to sit and mope about what I can't do. I'm going to give thanks for what I can, even if it's not what I normally do or necessarily want to do.  What are the odds that injuring my back is forcing me to slow down and be more aware of how I move my body,. I am literally being forced by my own body to re-program how I normally move: oftentimes hurried and thoughtless or mechanical movements into more deliberate, mindful movements. What better way to prepare for teaching yoga and mindfulness? I am completely immersed in practicing what I preach. No joke!

Here's one small example: think about how you sit down in a chair. Go ahead, try it right now. Do you plop yourself right down, throwing your weight into the chair? Do you bend you knees first and forward fold a little before lowering down? Do you sit down keeping you spine straight almost like you are going into a squat?  I have honestly never given much thought to how I sit down. Ever! And now I am hyper aware.  And it is seriously one of the hardest things to retrain my body to do. My chiropractor wants me to stand in front of a chair, setting a solid foundation with both feet facing forward. Then I am to shift my weight into my heels, hinge slightly forward at my hips and then lower down pushing my butt back keeping my spine, from lower back to neck, straight. As in no curving any part at any time. Almost like I'm preparing to do a good morning.  I have failed 75% of the time in just the last 24 hours.  I am not used to thinking before I sit. I am trying to catch myself before I plop down, being more aware of what I am doing.  Why, you might ask? Part of healing my disc is building lower back strength and mindful sitting is just one small step.  What a beautiful lesson in mindfulness and alignment.

Also, did you know I finished my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training through Limber Tree Yoga Studio in December? Because I did (cue happy dance)! And the truth is I have been putting off doing anything with it out of fear and now that I can't do my mat practice at my normal pace and level, I am mad at myself for taking my accomplishment for granted. But I am also fueled to explore and gain more knowledge about asana modifications that will work best for my body right now as it is, back pain and all. Which gets me to thinking even bigger, outside of myself.  Who else has back pain or hip pain or even chronic pain of some form and is convinced they can't do yoga? There's a big city of people out there and if I start researching, learning and gaining more experience and knowledge I could help not only myself but others too! Big thinking is not normally my jam.  I've down well at staying small, thinking small and convincing myself I am content with being "small", but dang, ya know what? I want to dare to think bigger.

Back pain, I accept your challenge.  I won't let you stop me. Limited movement doesn't mean I can't. It means finding a new approach to I can.