I am here now

There's so much going on inside of me...my mind a constant whirl, my heart....oh my heart...if there were words to describe it. But words escape me.  I want to create; to find my center with writing.  I want to gaze out the window and see all the beauty effortlessly.  I want to fill our home with love and laughter.  I feel a weird pressure to use this time wisely.  This weird, isolated time. This forced pause...a blessing...which at times feels like a cruel joke.  I want to move mountains with words as my heart has been shifted and changed by others.  Shaken to its depths.  Emotions bubble up, tears precariously close to no return. Unsteady breaths.  I am here now.  At my dining room table littered with markers, folders, papers, crayons, scissors snacks and more.  All things with no current residence being shifted throughout the house depending on the time of day.  Unsure where their permanence should be.  My youngest wrapped closely to my body, only finding peace with his cheek against my heart.  Unsettled you might say. That's how we all feel.  At times utterly peaceful...when we can pull away from it all; when we can silence all the noise.  We cocoon ourselves within the fortress of our home, but there is a hurting world out there. And while we've managed unscathed, heartbreak drowns the peace when we peek out of our isolation.  What will they remember? What will we say when we can look back? Does it even matter right now?  There's too many questions dancing through our future...tomorrow, next week, next month. The phone rings and I am here now, once again.  Out of the abyss.  I am here now, with my most precious ones, safe, healthy, fed.  I am here now, the tick of the clock my company and soft baby breaths reminding me of fragile life.  The shouts of playing kids drift in from outside.  I am here now.