In times of doubt...

There's a lot weighing heavy on my heart today. I'm not even sure how to voice it. What I can put voice to...it's all so cliche'. Life is short. Don't take for granted the ones you love. We've all said that or heard that before. It just doesn't seem like enough. My heart is still heavy. Jeff lost a friend yesterday. Jeff has lost two friends this year. Young men who were lights in this world. Two young men who left behind memories peppered with smiles, good hearts, and family and friends who only have great things to say of them. I wasn't lucky enough to know either of them personally. Only the quickest of meetings. Introductions and promises to get together soon.  Story after story of their lasting impressions. Still not enough.
I didn't know how to comfort Jeff last night. His heart was aching. His mind reeling with questions. Questions I wish I could've answered. Words I wish I could've said to put him at ease. He brought up God. I was disappointed in myself. I should've had answers. Right? I was raised in a house where God was put first. I prayed every night before bed, before meals. At one point in life I had regular conversations with Him. I felt him moving in my life. And then I thought I got smart. I thought I didn't need to talk to Him regularly.  I thought I could figure this life out on my own. And now when my partner in life needed me, needed comfort, I couldn't give it to him. I couldn't find the words to reassure him that God is good. That God loves us no matter what and that even though we don't understand His plans, He is always present. It's easy to say we will start going to church. It is easy to say we should pray more, talk to God more. It is easy to say we will raise Brody in the church, raise him so he won't have to question. Raise him so he has an unwavering faith. Each Sunday we find an excuse. Each Sunday we are failing our son...ourselves.
I want so many things for us. Not money, not the biggest house on the block. Not extravagant vacations. I want us to put God first. I want our light to reach others. I want to have the words to comfort in times of need. I want comfort when I'm feeling lost; overwhelmed. I question too. I am not immune to getting angry at God. I honestly don't really have a good relationship with God right now. But I know without a doubt that if I seek Him, these moments won't be so hard. So confusing. We wouldn't feel like we are going at it alone. We aren't ever alone. God never leaves us. We choose not seek Him. I know that much. And even though I get irritated at my parents for reminding me of this, I realize they are only doing it so that we can have the peace of mind in life that God offers. The unending love He offers.  There are so many things in this world that are ugly. That lead to questions and blame. If God loves us then why....why do good people die young? Why do innocent people get murdered, raped...why is this world full of horrible people and things?
This is what I know: God gives us the choice, seek Him. When you cut God out of your life you are lost. Alone. An open target for Satan to fill your mind with doubt.  We do not have to do this alone. Believing in God doesn't mean you won't experience tragedy or loss. It means you do not have to experience it alone. It means you know without a doubt that there is more. That after we pass, we will be reunited with our loved ones. There is more.
So what can I tell Jeff? That overnight I became a crusader for God? No, no that's not it. It means I can tell Jeff that we can pray for his friends' family. That we can pray for their peace of mind, understanding. Prayer works. I don't doubt that. And it means that Jeff and I can begin to make an active effort to put God first in our family. That we can stop making excuses on Sunday mornings and go to church. I guarantee that if we actively put God first in our life we will see a difference. I've seen it happen, I've felt it happen.