love reminders

Brody poked my eye in an attempt to point at it, then without hesitation, he leaned over and kissed it. My heart surged with love. Those moments reinforce why I am a mom; why I love being a mom. They happen often - moments. Little love reminders.  They have to. Those days where I feel at the end of my rope, Brody will do something. A show of love, unexpected tenderness and it re energizes me, like a shot of adrenaline straight to my heart.  I grab onto those moments. hold them close, revisit them throughout the day. Like being the owner of a precious stone. Taking it out when you've stolen a moment to yourself. Examining it, rolling it over in your palm, feeling the smoothness, admiring the beauty of something so small, the solidness of it.  Then stealing it away back into your pocket, never daring to lose it. As a mother, I am blessed to be the owner of these valuable little moments. I cherish them.
He's growing so quickly. I love it. I hate it. We have fallen into a sort of routine lately. When I take him into his room for naps and bedtime, he knows its coming. He wraps his little arms around my neck and holds on tight. A faint whimper escaping from him. I'm a sucker, he knows it. So I hold on tight right back. He responds by nestling his head into the curve of my neck. I melt. He knows it. So we wrap up in a blanket, and we rock. Sometimes I sing to him, sometimes we rock in silence. He drifts into sleep. He doesn't see my face. It's always a mix of emotion. Joy, sorrow. It's always two polar opposite feelings. Joy at having him in my arms, feeling his steady breathing warm on my neck. Sorrow because I know it will not last forever. That's why I give in. Just one more moment I grab onto. Maybe it's greedy on my part.  Maybe I am forming a bad habit that will be hard to break. But in my heart of hearts it's worth it. He won't always want to fall asleep nestled in my arms. So for now, I will hold onto these moments with all my might. Because the truth is, I won't know when it will be the last time. He sails in and out of stages so smoothly, sometimes I hardly notice. He might grow out of this stage tomorrow, or he might stick around in this soothing calm for another week. Either way, tomorrow or next week, I'll hold on tight.
I've said this before, in fact, I have a storybook all about it. We make such a huge deal about all of their "firsts" but their "lasts" go by unnoticed. So, instead of dwelling on the "first" or the "last" I'm going to live in the now. And that now for me is allowing myself to bathe in the moments of love, sweetness, tenderness. I won't apologize for rocking my baby to sleep. Or giving him too much love when he should be learning "tough" love. Everybody does it differently. I'm finally embracing that. I won't judge how someone else does it, that's their choice. And I'll be damned if I let someone make me feel bad for how I am doing it.