so long boppy

I've got a lot built up in my mind. Near two weeks worth of thoughts. So be ready for an outpouring. I feel a soul purge coming...

We got home yesterday from our honeymoon. ooo aaaa! Yes it was beautiful and exciting and fun. But one of the first things I noticed when I came in the front door was the boppy. Yep, the boppy. You see, our honeymoon not only celebrated our recent wedding, but marked the end of breastfeeding. *breathing slow here, tears are welling up* My heart kind of hurts. It's a confused hurt. Looking at the boppy, I thought to myself, well I guess we can put that away now. Then I looked at Brody and thought, you don't need that anymore baby. Not baby...I have to remind myself, toddler. But forever baby in my heart *There are those tears again* Deciding to stop breastfeeding was hard. Not only because of the physical discomfort, but the fact that it closed a chapter in Brody and mines' relationship. The one where mommy got quiet time, Brody got much needed nutrients, and it was just ours. The one where our bodies connected, where I could feel his heart beating against mine. The relationship that gave him instant comfort and satiation. Turns out, I think he was ready for it. Before we were gone I made sure I had plenty of milk saved up so he could still have a bottle before bed. So his routine wouldn't completely be upheaved. He wasn't that interested. He's growing up. Now he can go to bed without a bottle. Bottles are officially old news. But my heart still aches. I left with a breastfeeding baby and came home to a toddler who doesn't even need a bottle. He's taller too. Despite the ache in my heart, I'm proud too. I'm proud that he transitioned so smoothly. He adapted to 11 days without mommy and daddy and we didn't come home to any horror stories of endless tears. He's still the happy, easy going, adventurous nugget we had left. Just bigger. I was ready to come home. Eager! I couldn't wait to hold him close. To breathe in his baby scent. Walking towards him at the airport though, I have to admit, I had a tiny twinge of fear. What if he didn't want me back? What if he felt like I abandoned him? What if he was happier in the past 11 days than ever with me? It was 11 days worth of mom guilt bursting the instant his little face came into view. I seriously was choking back tears. I'm not going to lie, it didn't play out how I pictured it in my head. I may have daydreamed it up a little to elaborately.  But it still felt just as right the moment he was in my arms. And today, we were back to our routine like I was never gone. The only difference, the boppy isn't on the couch waiting for it's evening use. It's getting washed, prepared for storage. And my heart, it will recover, because as sad as I am that our breastfeeding days are over, I know I will get my chance at it again. In the meantime, I'm just anxious to see what Brody's next life lesson will be. He's constantly teaching. This one, I think it was the acceptance of change. Cause it's constant. It might not always be blazingly obvious, sometimes it's subtle, but you just have to roll with it. What's around the corner might be even better!