it's all about the turn around

Yesterday I had a bad day. I mean BAD. I felt so depressed. No one thing triggered it. Just a culmination of things I suppose. I was inpatient with Brody. I was mean to Jeff and I continually ran myself down. I cried A LOT. I lay around feeling sorry for myself. I tried, I did, to get out of the blues and I just couldn't seem to get a grasp. I felt horrible because Jeff would try to talk to me, to reach out, and I would just snap at him, all the while telling myself to stop being so horrible, that he was only trying to help, to love me. I wasn't having it. I was shutting him out. It was such a low day. I haven't had one like that in a long time. I even tried reading my devotions, my bible, but I was mad. And I blamed God for all of it. It was clearly His fault I was feeling so miserable. His fault that my skin has been breaking out. His fault that I am inpatient. His fault if I am not pregnant. I mastered pointing my finger at others yesterday.
It's funny how one day can be so terrible and others are filled with love and laughter. I was looking back through my entries and I was instantly drawn to what I wrote a few weeks ago:

"Satan knows our schedules, our needs, our predicaments. He knows when we've been up too many nights in a row, and our tempers are on edge. He knows when we are lonely. He knows the details of our marriage. He wars with us over our desires…."

I KNOW that, I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget, and yet, I let him dig his hooks into me yesterday and drag me down. I was so angry I turned my back on God; refusing to find comfort in His words. I blamed God for my bad day and low thoughts forcing myself to face the day alone.  We are such selfish creatures, so quick to point fingers, to place blame. 

Today I woke up feeling good. It's been a happy day so far, and as a creature of habit when I am happy I seek God, and this is what I found:

"I will guard you and keep you in constant Peace, as you focus your mind on Me."

I found this too:

"The Lord Himself will fight for you, just stay calm" - Exodus 14:14

I let satan convince me I was alone, that I was no good, ugly, unlovable. I let him take control. Foolish me. I know better. All I had to do yesterday was see God, seek God. I read this on this amazing blog a while back and put it in my phone as a weekly reminder: 

When I see Jesus as useful, He's a gadget to make my life better. When I see Jesus as beautiful, He's a joy that makes me live better

I am all to guilty of only seeking the Lord when I want things. Like if I call on Him, He'll instantly fix things for me. Did I mention we are selfish? I need to learn to ALWAYS seek Him, in the good and bad, to seek constant beauty.