it's not always pretty

I hate that feeling of "it's too late". Your time has passed for that. If you wanted to be that you should have started working towards it when you were younger. You should have been more dedicated. It takes a lifetime….I mean, I know I am not an old maid or anything, but…I guess maybe thinking this way is just an excuse. If I tell myself my time has passed for that than I won't even try and risk failing at it. And the bigger truth is that failing at it is too terrifying a thought. Yes, I am afraid of failure. I don't know…I may be an expert at holding myself back. I use being "shy" as a sort of shield against things. I've been told my whole life that I was "such a shy little girl". I've always been the quiet one in my family, and yes it does take me awhile to warm up to new people. If you have been told enough of one thing, you believe it and it becomes a constant companion. I hate it but it's also my security blanket. It's my excuse not to try new things on my own. Or maybe to meet new people, or let people in. It's not just an excuse to cold shoulder people though, I really do get anxiety over being in new, unfamiliar situations. Some people get a rush out of it, I get uncomfortable and panicky. I don't like being singled out or put on the spot. This is really back and forth. I think this is why you probably shouldn't take an extremely hot bath and drink a giant glass of red wine. I can dream big, I am really good at that. I thrive in my dreams, it's reality that slaps me hard; reminds me how insignificant I am. Or maybe it's not reality at all, it's just satan taunting me. Clawing at all of my insecurities, digging in deep, pulling me down. Making me doubt myself and God. If he can cloud my vision enough, than he wins. It's what he wants, to destroy me to get to God...