I am not the mom I envisioned….

I am not the mom I envisioned myself being. I do not do daily crafts with Brody. Thanks a lot Pinterest for rubbing that in. I do not come up with creative ways to teach and explore with him. I am not always patient. I do not always talk to him in a calm and soothing voice. I DO lose my temper sometimes. I Do feel exasperated by his constant testing. Brody likes to push the limits. He likes to push me to my wits end. I don't keep his days devoid of TV. Disney channel is my welcome method to squeeze a shower in. We don't always keep a normal sleep schedule and yes, Brody sometimes eats hot dogs multiple days in a row. I have finally come to accept that all of these things DO NOT make me a bad mom. I am not FAILING him as I so often let myself think. How we go about our days, it's what works for us. This is what my son gets:

Every morning Brody gets to wake up to cuddles in bed with mommy. He drinks his milk and munches on dry cereal and I get my coffee. And yes, we enjoy these treats while watching Disney. I am not a morning person. I do not like to get up and go. This works for us both. It's our quiet start to our day. Eventually Brody gets antsy. He's ready to start his day. This can mean a variety of things. We don't schedule our day. It could mean going straight outside to the sandbox. Or it could mean moving our cuddle sesh to the living room and playing with some toys. I start his breakfast, which lately has been banana muffins and while he eats breakfast I indulge in my second cup of coffee. Yes, I am pregnant and I drink two cups of coffee a day and I love it. Sometimes we eat breakfast outside, sometimes in. I like to give Brody options, or at least the idea that he is in control of some things, so where we eat is generally up to him. After he eats I choose the Disney distraction method and take a quick shower. I need to shower. I am not a few days no shower person. It's how I kick start myself to a functioning human.

Really from then on it is open game. Some days we read for awhile, other days it's right back outside until lunch and nap time. Other days, he just wants to be held by mommy. I am accounting some of that to the fact that two stubborn molars harass him nonstop. A lot of days we play outside, then come in and make daddy lunch and take it to him. It's one of my favorite things. Even if it means driving across town. Even though Dad only gets half an hour for lunch, it is 30 more minutes of family time Brody and I get with him had we otherwise stayed home. Plus it gets us out of the house! I can't complain because normally Brody falls asleep on the way home and it makes nap time that much easier! Nap time for both of us because these days, if I don't nap when he naps it is not a happy home. Baby #2 is a permanent energy zapper… well baby #2 and her constantly moving big brother.  I never felt that second trimester energy boost and I am more than willing to take advantage of any sleep time I can get. Are there things around my house I could be getting down? Of course there is! There will always be things I should be doing, but such is life.

After nap time it's another cuddle sesh. My boy likes his cuddle time. And like his mommy after any time sleeping, it takes awhile to wake up. It couldn't be more true for him. He is not wide eyed and bushy tailed after naps. He needs a good 30 minutes to get there. I'm good with that. We relax together and he eats a snack. After that it's free game again, but usually we are back outside. Slide, pool, bubbles, scoot, sandbox. Chalk drawing, water feature playing, shoveling and roaming. He is so good at entertaining himself. At first I felt guilty about this too. I felt like I should be by his side teaching him what things are, how things work, ect. Showing him the many little wonders of outside. The truth is though, he wasn't into that. He would just wander off to do his thing. I was hurt at first. What?! He doesn't want lessons while we are outside?! But what he soon showed me was that when he wants me he comes and gets me. If he wants me to play in the sandbox with him, he will come grab my hand and lead me over. If he wants me to play in the water with him, he asks me to come play or help fill up the pool. Chalk drawing…he will hand me a piece of chalk and is more than willing to try and learn. I realized I can't push him to sit and learn lessons about what is what. He has to be willing and eager to learn. The rest of the time, he is teaching himself, exploring and learning from trial and error. I still struggle with it sometimes, but I am getting better at it. Especially since watching him around other kids. He'll play and interact for awhile (definitely his dad), and then he takes off to play on his own (that's me alright). It's like he needs the quite and solitude to regroup, and when he's ready to interact, he'll rejoin the group. I like that about him. I like that he can enjoy both worlds. I hope he keeps that quality.

I like letting Brody decide what he wants. If he doesn't want to be outside we don't have to be. If he wants the TV on for awhile I won't fight him. Most the time he only sits for 10 minutes and then heads for his toy box. Or he will go grab a book and come back to have me read it to him. Mommy makes dinner…or daddy depending on when he gets home and we chow down. Dinner time has been a struggle with him lately, just another phase I presume, one which I am more than ready to have be over!  After dinner it's back outside, but with dad this time. I try to get in another rest. Not sleep, but at least lay down. Plus there is nothing better than hearing him and daddy laugh while running around outside!
Bed time is probably the only routine we stick to. Brush teeth, read story or two, say our prayers sing our song and kisses goodnight.

What's my point to all of this you ask? I guess it's just to remind myself that although I am not the magazine mom I envisioned, I am the mom who gives her son all I've got. Our days aren't always full of rainbows and happy songs and masterpieces. We have tantrums, meltdowns, exhaustion and frustration.  There are days where I feel like I am nothing but a failure. But what I have to remind myself is that from the start of his day to the end of it he is loved, he is loved, he is loved! He feels it in all moments. He is healthy. He gets 3 meals a day and snacks. He is in the presence of someone who loves him unconditionally, tantrum or not. I think showing Brody he is loved and cherished in good moods and bad teaches him more then a day full of scheduled events. I think giving him choices and letting him make decisions for himself teaches him more then micromanaging every second of his day. Will it always be this way? Maybe…maybe not. But for now it's what works for us.