Dear Lola

Dear Lola

I'm sitting outside watching your brother play. The drizzle finally decided to take a break and let the sun peak through. I just finished reading an article about the view of pregnancy when you are nearing the end. We are there, baby, two weeks from your due date. Basically you could make your debut any day now. It's just what I needed to read. I dose of truth that I have been denying myself. I have been feeling every emotion under the sun, and trust me, that's a lot to deal with. Ask your daddy someday. I have allowed myself to feel anxious, unprepared, worried, scared, excited. I have been cleaning nonstop. Never to my satisfaction, it feels. Loads and loads of laundry have been washed, folded and put away. Your room has been set up, Brody's room has been deep cleaned and organized.  I can't seem to stop worrying that I am somehow not ready for you. I have been doing everything but allowing myself to enjoy the end of this relationship with you and my one on one relationship with your brother. I haven't given myself a chance to stop and think about the significance of where we are at. So much change is upon us.

I don't want these last few days or weeks to be a rush of flurried emotions. I want to absorb it all. Every last detail. In the article View From the End of a Pregnancy she has numbered off what she will do and her #3 struck me the most :

3. I will focus less on the aches and pains, the fear of the impending labor and delivery, and the worry that that crippling sensation might actually be you trying to punch your way out of me. Instead, I will close my eyes and feel you -- really FEEL you -- living a whole little life inside of me. I will imagine what you look like, wonder what you are dreaming about in there and whether you know it's my hand meeting yours on the other end of those endless tiny blows. No one else on this Earth has felt you the way I have, and this otherworldly connection only we have will come to an abrupt end before we know it. Though one day soon I'll no longer be able to feel your kicks, I know the days will come when I will instead feel you wrap your arms around my neck and nuzzle your head into my shoulder, feel you slip your warm hand into mine to know you are safe, feel you twirl my hair in your tiny fingers as you drift off to sleep in my arms.

I have so much to enjoy about you right now, and so much to look forward to. All of the other emotions, fears, anxieties I  have been feeling are nothing compared to the flood of goodness that is you, that will follow in your arrival. Nine months seems like such a long time in the beginning, and somehow that time speeds up and is almost over! You won't notice if the house is clean, if the kitchen sink is empty or if your dresser drawers are full of clothes. I suppose that's more for my comfort. You won't care if we pack the right outfit to bring you home in or if the car has been detailed. You will notice the constant outpouring of love. You will notice being enveloped in my arms, your fathers arms and being showered with kisses from your big brother. All of these things I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed with are so insignificant through your eyes. You will be leaving your warm, cozy womb, to join us in this great big world and what you will be effected by the most is how well you are cared for and I can guarantee that we will give you the very best. You will not be lacking in care, in love, in protection and warmth. 

I know you can tell when I am anxious, when I am not at peace. I know you can tell when I worry. So I promise, little love, that I will try my best to be here in this moment with you. I will try to worry less. I will try to enjoy all of your movements. I will laugh at your brother's silliness and find joy in his adventurous spirit. I won't worry over the mess of toys across the living room floor, or the dishes that don't always get put away. The most important thing is each of us that make up our family. And we can not wait to be able to hold you in our arms, to kiss you, to stare in wonder at your little tiny features. We love you sweet girl and we can't wait to meet you.