nearing the end

Saturday, as I was preparing for yet another speed shower, I caught my reflection in the  mirror. This really isn't anything new. The growing belly is kind of hard to miss, but I will admit that after this much time I've gotten so use to it I've began to take the beauty of it for granted. Saturday though, it was different. It took my breath away. The enormity of what's inside of that growing belly, the countdown of my last few weeks. What really struck me is that this could be the last time I see my belly full of life. The truth is I don't think I've given that part of my pregnancy thought because it's so overwhelming. I kind of want to bawl just thinking about it again. Funny how the sex of your baby can determine the growth of your family. Of course the hubs and I wanted one of each. The "ideal" family. But here we are,  3 weeks from Lola's due date, and I am paralyzed by the thought that she could be my last. I knew I had been avoiding thinking of this. Wrapping my mind around being a mother of two is one thing, but to consider the possibility that I may never be pregnant again, that is altogether just too much. But it is a real possibility for our family.

We might find that we are content with two kids, and I will have to learn to accept that. But that would mean that this is it. My body will never create life again. I will never get to see my belly grow and I will never see my child move from within me again. It just doesn't even seem like a remote consideration to me right now. On the other hand, after she's born, and we become a family of four, the idea of growing it might seem absolutely insane. There's a chance we will love just the four of us and not have any desire to have another. Is this something mothers think about often towards the end of a second pregnancy? There was no need for these thoughts to cross my mind when I was pregnant with Brody. We knew we wanted to have more than one. I was free to just enjoy being pregnant with him. I did too. I loved being pregnant with Brody. This time around, it has taken more of a toll on my body, and maybe I just haven't allowed myself to enjoy it as much. Having a toddler while I've been pregnant definitely sucks up all of my time and energy and doesn't leave me with much time to really just 'be'.

I honestly don't know what to think or what to allow my mind to wonder towards. I don't want to cloud the end of my journey with Lola with depressing thoughts starting with "this will be the last…" but I don't want to completely shut out the notion that it could be. It's a tricky little plank to balance on. What do I take away from it all? I know that I love being pregnant. Even this second time, while I've been more sick, more achy and WAY more exhausted. The miracle inside me has trumped all of those awful feelings. I love watching my body grow and change allowing baby to grow and change. I love how proud I feel of my baby bump. When people stare or gawk, I secretly feel a greedy joy. Yes, that's my baby girl inside growing bigger and bigger! And I know, despite all of my fears of mothering two, of losing my one on one life I've had with Brody, of our little threesome changing to four, I know that I will love this baby beyond measure. Not only from everything I have read, everything my mother, my mother in law and friends of multiple children have told me, I know my love will not be divided, it will multiply to a quantity I didn't even know I was capable of.

As for coming to terms with this possibly being the last time I get to experience the gift of life growing and thriving inside of me…I just can't dwell on it. I know I can't allow myself to dwell on that aspect of it. The idea of finally getting to hold Lola, to see her little face, to feel her little tiny fingers curl around mine, to smell that undeniably irresistible baby smell, it is greater than any sadness I may allow myself to feel of not getting pregnant again. It's a needless worry. What I know I can do, is look back on my pregnancies with a happy heart; with joy that I was blessed enough to get to experience it twice! I don't know what the future holds for our family. It might be more babies, it might not. But clearly if I worry about it, it just makes me sad. And I have too much to celebrate and be grateful for to allow any sadness.