low down dirty shame

I wrote this last Thursday. I posted it and took it down 4 hours later. I felt embarrassed. It's not pretty but it's the truth and if it helps someone else not feel so alone with their crazy, mixed up, bad day emotions than it's worth sharing. 

9:35 AM

It's happening. I'm feeling heavy. The weight...I just can't brace it up anymore. I've been struggling with it now for awhile. I keep reading the blogs I follow, searching. Trying to find solidarity. We all try to blog realistically....right? We share the wonders, the ugly, the down right humiliating. We all want to relate, but I'm not finding it. Not this time. I think even in our efforts to be real we end up giving the ugly a light glaze. Just a sprinkle of pretty so it's not so disparaging. Yeah, we will admit to losing our patience, maybe a raised voice, a crying toddler. But then all is made right by a moment of tenderness. It's just .... tenderness doesn't always follow. You guys sometimes our ugly...MY ugly fills me with shame. I start to question what kind of a mother I've become. If I was really ever meant to be one. That's extreme, I know, but when you fall down sometimes you fall far. 

12:00 PM

I was seriously considering bailing out on our play date today. Getting ready wasn't going smoothly. I was losing patience at every turn. Convinced I should go, enjoy the mom support, feel welcomed, and understood, I trudged on and we went. Being with other moms was supposed to make me feel better, to feel like we are all in this crazy parenting thing together, going through the same ups and downs. It didn't make me feel better. It made me feel more alone. Instead of enjoying the company, the freedom of not having to entertain Brody, I felt like I spent the whole time trying to keep myself together. Laugh at the right times, chip in at the right moments, give my two cents here and there. Repeat. The truth is I couldn't wait to pack up my kids and leave. To let the facade I was hiding behind crumble. It's hard for me to even understand. This thing that's happening inside...my heart tightening, crumbling, trying to grasp onto feelings of love, joy...happiness even. 

Today, yesterday, the last week or more, I don't feel like I am cut out to be a mom. I don't feel like I have what it takes. I hear myself speaking to Brody: inpatient, frustrated...sharp even. I don't like what I am hearing. I try to stop. Breathe in a steadying breath. I start again but the calm only lasts a moment. What's wrong with me? Where's the calm, understanding, consoling mom that I am supposed to be? Where is the mom who doesn't raise her voice or feel constantly at the end of her rope? I am supposed to be better. Better for my babies, they deserve better. Why can't I get this right? 

I love my babies. I don't need to convince anyone of that. This place I am at right now, it doesn't change the love I have for them. I just want to be the best me for them and I am struggling to find the best me. I have to or else I'll get buried by all of the feelings I feel. Failure. Disappointment. Frustration. It's suffocating me and I just ... I don't feel like I understand and I don't feel understood. I want to talk about it, be open about it. But the truth is, sometimes I hear Brody getting whiny and he starts crying over nothing or throwing a fit and I just want to shut myself in the bathroom with the lights off. What does that say about me? Lola can't be consoled sometimes, I know that's normal with babies, but the same thing, I just want to curl up under a blanket and plug me ears. I don't. Of course I don't. I love on her, I shush her, we bounce, we swing, we sway and I sing. Eventually she calms down. It's not that simple with Brody. This communication barrier, it's killing me! He doesn't have the words to tell me what he feels, I ask question after question to get to the bottom of it but I am simultaneously getting shorter and shorter with my tone and he starts getting angry and frustrated that I don't know what it is he wants or doesn't want. It feels like a nightmare merry-go-round, never stopping. 

It's a rough season. Let's hope it's short because I would really love to just pack a bag, kiss the hubs goodbye and tell him see ya in a few days, you got this right? Moms need breaks to. There's no shame in that. There shouldn't be even though I feel it. All I feel is shame and guilt for the very real feelings I am feeling. I have to keep telling myself other moms feel this too sometimes. And if they don't? Well I want to know what their secret is.