hope

I'm totally having a super mom Monday! I mean, seriously, cleaning, laundry and homemade chocolate chip cookies! I really chose to bake over a nap. It's possible I might regret that decision come seven tonight, but right now I feel unstoppable. It's hard to believe how low I was just a few weeks ago. It's a choice. I know that now more than ever. I allowed myself to get that low, and than I gave myself the OK to really wallow in it. The wallowing sucked the life right out of me. It was like one huge pity party. The truth is, parenting is hard. I am not alone. So many amazing women and men reached out to me showing support, sharing in the not so pretty parts of parenting. But then something horrible happened. And it was the much needed slap across the face I needed. You guys, I AM ALIVE! Jump up and down, spin circles, shout out and throw my arms up alive. Life is so damn fleeting. Life has no long term guarantee. I am alive and healthy and I have two strong arms to wrap tight around my wiggly babies.

This is a "duh" thing right? The truth is, everyday I wake up, I should celebrate. Every time I roll over and glance into Lola's bassinet and see her sweet morning smiles, I should whisper a thank you Lord. When Brody stands outside our bedroom door and whimpers "mommy" I should feel grateful that I can swing my legs over the edge of the bed, walk out to him and pick him up into my arms. The thing that keeps replaying like a news headline in my mind is the Mary Oliver quote "tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

This is huge! I get to decide every day what I will do with my life. I don't have to map it out days, weeks, or months ahead. I just get to live each day. And the thing that strikes me, if I want to make the most of it, I have to, HAVE TO, get things right with God. You don't have to agree, or like it, but for me I know there is no other way. I know that I know that I know. I stray, goodness do I stray and I lose sight and I stumble. Then I read back over years of journal entries and it's the same thing. When God is the focus in my life, when I read my bible, my devotions; when I pray and seek the Lord I don't have those dark, wallowing moments. I don't feel alone, I don't feel hopeless. I feel hope. It's a beautiful feeling. It makes my heart kind of swell, and my pulse race a little and I feel like doing a little jig and picking Brody up and dancing around the house and kissing Lola's cheek and hugging my husband. You guys, hope is rising up in me!