Dear Lola

my sweet boy captured this moment

Dear Lola ,

We breastfed for the last time on Friday. It wasn't planned, although I had been thinking about it for awhile. I never felt quite ready to be done and now that I am, I'm still not sure I was ready. It just worked out. The events of Saturday had us skipping and once I'd gone 24 hours I figured I mine as well commit.

Now it's Monday and I feel like I didn't even get to properly bid adieu to our breastfeeding season. I didn't go into it knowing it would be our last time, that it would never happen again. My heart kind of hurts at the thought of closing the chapter on something so intimate and strictly yours and mine. I didn't really realize how emotionally attached I was, or how much it would hurt having to tell you no when you reached for me. You looked just as shocked as I felt when I said "all done, no more" and the tears that followed had me almost ready to give in.

Breastfeeding you was a bit of a nightmare in the beginning. I was constantly getting sore, cracked nipples. I would get frustrated and impatient waiting for them to heal, waiting for everything to "click" and go smoothly. It took longer then expected and even though I told myself "I'm just so over this, I'm ready to be done" I never gave up. I loved our quiet time together. I loved how we fit just right and how you would drift off to a deep sleep. I never thought I would go past your first birthday, but with each passing month I would tell myself one more; just one more month and then I'll be done. I also secretly hoped you would wean yourself. That you would decide one day that you didn't need to nurse anymore. I would still mourn it but I would at least know you were choosing to be done.

The end of breastfeeding you Lola, it makes me feel like I no longer have a baby. Now both my kids are toddlers and need me just a little bit less. With your brother, I was ready to be done at one, and I knew I'd have another baby, that I'd have you. I knew it wouldn't be the end. Now, I am not sure if I will ever feel the pain of engorged breasts ready to release nourishing  milk, or the tingling rush of let down, or the relief of finally feeding a hungry, crying baby. I don't know if I will ever cradle another newborn to my body in the way only mothers can. And that uncertainty has my heart hurting even more.

You will get over this more quickly than I will. It won't be anything more than a story I'll tell you when you are a mother with babies of your own. I know that breastfeeding is only one small part in our journey as mother and daughter, but sweet girl, on the day you are in my shoes feeling a little bit heartbroken, you will know you aren't alone in your feelings. I will be right there telling you "I know, baby, I know."

all my love
mommy