Husband

When I look in the mirror, I wish that I saw the same woman my husband sees. At the end of a long day with the kids, I wish I saw the mother that my husband sees. Where I see flaws and shortcomings, he sees beauty and the force that keeps our family flowing and grounded. I wish for one day, I could see myself through his eyes.
More often than not lately, I catch myself projecting my insecurities and doubts onto him, and in return he tells me over and over how much he loves me and how great he thinks I am doing with our children.  Even on his bad days, even when he's exhausted and stressed he stays positive for me. He reassures me, he picks me up when I am at my whits end. I don't think I often see that. I think what I see is someone who "doesn't understand what it's like staying home to raise our kids". I get jealous of his "freedom" to leave the house whenever he pleases, even if that leaving is to go to work. I get jealous of his adult interaction on a daily basis. Ask any stay at home mom, and if she's being real with you, she'll tell you staying home to raise littles can be extremely lonely and isolating. Ask any mother and, if she's being real, she will tell you that adjusting to post baby bodies can be hard, and that attempting to get you pre-baby body can be a struggle. Unfortunately for any woman, the "perfect" body is constantly shoved in our face. The moms who bounce back the day after birth are flaunted in front of us making us feel less than for still holding onto that extra 10 pounds.
My husband doesn't see that. He sees the mother to his children. He sees the strength it took to birth them. He sees the woman who his shaping them into the adults they will someday be. He sees his bride, the woman he vowed before God, to love always.
He tells me I'm beautiful on the days I feel the most ugly, without prompting, just out of the blue. And of course I say no, I am not. Why can't I just smile and say thanks? Why do I find the need to put myself down to the person who loves me no matter what? Why must I question what he believes to be true? Why can't I see what he sees? The person that matters is him. Maybe that's what I need to focus on. It doesn't matter what a stranger at the store sees. I don't need to please them with my physical appearance. It matters what I see first, and what my husband sees. And if he sees beauty I should walk around with a glowing confidence. I guess....what I am trying to get at is maybe an apology to my husband?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I cast my negative self love onto you. I'm sorry I make you feel bad for telling me you think I am beautiful and that my body is just right. I'm sorry I push you away when you try to get intimate with me. It's not you, it's never you. I'm sorry I only see my bad days and than I expect yours to always be easy because you "get out".  I'm sorry I accuse you of not understanding me. I know you have your own insecurities, you are just better at being confident despite them. I love you. I have always loved you for loving me despite all of my flaws.