feeling forgotten

Some days I feel forgotten, like I've disappeared and no one has noticed. Oh, not my kids, or my husband, obviously. They would fall apart if I had disappeared. I mean the world outside of our cozy home.I'm talking friends. I feel awkward even typing that, but it's the truth. Since becoming a mother of course my friendships have evolved and changed. Some ended, some new ones formed, some stayed true as we've gone through the same life changes. I'm not mad or trying to point fingers. I'm as much to  blame as anyone. It's just my feels today, yesterday...lately.

 I feel beyond blessed to be able to stay home and raise my babies. I know not every mother gets to, not every mother wants to. But it's exactly what I've always wanted. Did I know it would come with days of extreme isolation? No. Motherhood has been full of all sorts of surprises. Did I think days would pass where I'd feel completely forgotten? Definitely not. It's a double edged sword, really.
Of course I'd love to see my friends all of the time, but seriously my energy well dries up by noon and I'm ready for bed. Sometimes, I feel like I do all the reaching out. Which makes me think, if I stop reaching out, will they? Which spirals into a long dialogue with myself where I question my friendships, my own qualifications as a friend and so on and so forth.

I want to be the type of friend that can always be counted on. You need a shoulder to cry on, I've got one. A break from you kids? Call me and I will let you take a breather. Coffee and a couch? I'll brew it up, let's get cozy and talk. A date with your husband you say? Go ahead, we'll watch your kids and maybe next time you can watch mine for a date night! I want your kids to feel like mine and visa versa. I want you to walk into my home and feel instantly welcomed and comfortable. I want to feel that way at yours. I want to feel vulnerable in front of you and know there's no judgment. I want to ugly cry in front of you when it all feels like too much and I want you to know you can ugly cry in front of me too. My arms will always be open to you.

That friendship up there, I daydream about it. And I get it, life is busy for all of us. Kids get sick, Jobs get in the way, family activities take priority. Or it's noon and you are just ready for your day to be done. I totally feel that way too. But this forgotten feeling, it really sucks. It's hard. I'm asking myself what I'm doing wrong. Why no one seems to notice. And then I tell myself it's just a season. It will pass and to not let myself get down. Yeah...well you know how well that can go! I'm going to go ahead and blame some of these feelings on my third trimester, I've been an emotional wreck since I've hit this last trimester: random cry sessions, anxiety attacks, crazy, cranky mood swings. Then I worry once I have a third baby I will be even more alone. Alone, surrounded by my three lovely, adorable children. Things could be worse.

Part of me doesn't even want to post this, but the part of me that believes in being real and completely honest says I have to. I might not be the only mommy feeling forgotten. And what better way to come face to face with those feelings than sharing them; giving them a voice and sending them out into the universe?