counting down

if it weren't for those two adorable faces and that baby bump, I would've deleted this in a second

I was just watching Lola walk from the back door to the sandbox. Curious about her presence, the chickens started flocking towards her, which tends to send her into a bit of a panic. I glanced back to the sandbox and watched with a swelling heart as Brody got out and started going towards her. He must have heard her cry out in distress.  He put his little arm around her and guided her safely to the sandbox. Seriously, I'm in tears, and I'm blaming some of those pregnancy hormones. But more than that, it reinforces that, even though I often doubt my abilities as a parent, I must be doing something right. Without any prompting from an adult, he saw his sister in need and went to her side to protect her and I couldn't love him more or be more proud of the little man he's becoming. 

I'm nearing the end of this pregnancy, and have been feeling a flood of emotions, which is only natural. I would by lying if I didn't admit I'm a bit apprehensive going from a family of 4 to a family of 5. I know how to do two kids. I get overwhelmed with two and sometimes I avoid leaving the house! Three feels like a total game changer. I do not have 3 arms! How will I find the time? How will I make each of them feel loved and important? How will there be time left for my husband, let alone time for self-care? I try not to dwell too much on the endless questions of how we will do life with three. I know we will figure it out, no matter how daunting it seems some days. What I worry about most right now is whether or not I am making the most of my time left as a mother of two. 

My sweet Brody and Lola, they give me endless grace. Somedays probably more than I deserve. I was feeling it all last week when I texted my soul sister. I admitted feeling like a terrible mom; short temper, impatient, always speaking in a tone. I feel like I'm spending these last weeks constantly losing it with them instead of soaking up being able to spend endless quality time with them. I feel like I should be taking them on adventures, getting down on the floor and building things, chasing them around outside. Ya know, all those "fun mom" things. Instead, I have relied way too much on Daniel Tiger and Paw Patrol to entertain them so I don't have to get down on the ground with them. I take them on a quick run to target, where 5 minutes in I'm waddling so bad, feeling so much pain, I want to go right back home and lay down with a pillow between my legs. 

17 days until my due date, and yes I am counting down. Somedays I feel panicky, I'm not ready, other days, I can not wait! And then there are days like today. I feel stuck in a limbo of time. An in between where I want to savor the time with my two, but I'm so ready to get this baby out, I feel out of sorts. They know it, they know change is upon us. I started packing a hospital bag today and Lola insists every 10 minutes that we need to go to the hospital .  On Brody's school days, when I pick him up he asks me if the baby is coming. When we go to my weekly appointments, Lola asks if we are taking the baby out. It's on all of our minds. And as you can tell, I'm pretty much all over the place every day. I go from feeling completely at peace with life, with my pregnancy, with how I am doing raising Brody and Lola to full on melt down, what in the hell am I doing mode. I go from completely trusting and allowing my body to bring this baby into the world, to contemplating intervening and moving things along more quickly. My thoughts jump from things to thing, and I try to bring myself back to the here and now. I diffuse some balance and take some deep breaths and give thanks for where we are today, right now. 

Right now, that means watching the kids make a mess of play-doh on the table. Brody is deep in concentration, creating something he sees only in his imagination. Lola goes between wanting to do everything on her own to wanting me to do everything for her. Yes, when I started this post, I was inside with only my thoughts while the kids played outside. I've taken a few bathroom breaks, answered a phone call, opened the door a handful of times to check on the kids and in the end helped them take their boots and coats off and get the play-doh out. I've deleted sentences only to re-type them. I've stopped and put my hands on my belly to feel our baby move and yes, I've teared up more than once. Any day now, everything will change. But for today, right now, I am an extremely blessed mother of two.