A Perfect Ending

Wilder -

Your birth was everything I wanted and everything I didn't know I needed. I couldn't have imagined a better ending to my season of child bearing, nor did I ever picture myself delivering you. I have truly never felt so emotional and connected during childbirth as I did in the moments my body released you and I pulled you onto my chest resting your head on my heart; our skin mingling together, becoming familiar with one another on the outside. Here's your story my love: 


My thoughts on pregnancy, delivery and breastfeeding have changed, evolved, even grown so much the last seven years.  If you would have told me  seven years ago that I would be having a fourth child, choose to be induced, and get an epidural I would have laughed in your face.  Not because I looked down on those choices, but because in my mind there was only one right way for me.  I never considered any alternate way than drug free, when the baby choose to come on his terms  and breastfeeding, no matter the cost to me and my mental well being.

With time, growth, friendships and countless open conversations I've learned so much not only about myself but about having an open mind.  The more I actually put my needs and well being first the more I realized the cost I payed for only being willing to allow myself one way of doing things.

When I found out life was growing within me, I knew I wanted an epidural.  I didn't think I would want to breastfeed and I figured I would let the baby come when he was ready.  What actually happened varied slightly and the choices I made were based off of both my mental health and what would be appropriate for the baby.   The week before his due date I experienced three days of contractions.  I was convinced he was coming early. We even made a practice trip to the hospital, only to be sent home a few hours later. Unfortunately I was still only 3cm dilated...for the third week in a row.  Nothing was progressing and I was feeling so defeated.  My body was achy and tired.  I wasn't sleeping and I felt constantly anxious.

You should know, Wilder, we really wanted you to be born on your due date.

We liked the idea of Wilder being born on 1/20/2020 (another thing I thought I honestly would never care about) so on Friday, before we left the hospital during our practice trip, we went ahead and scheduled an induction for Monday morning.  I felt so confident and at peace with our decision.  I hadn't realized how much I craved order and control for his birth.  It had never been anything I experienced before.  For the next two days my body felt more relaxed than it had in weeks and I felt truly present with Brody, Lola and Dash and with my husband.  It was a welcome reprieve after being riddled with unmet expectations and anxiety.

 Of course, nerves eventually took over Sunday night and I was in and out of sleep. I was a bundle of nervous energy on the drive to the hospital in the morning.  Once we were there and brought to our labor and delivery room I finally felt relief.  We opened the door to a sun filled room, something I had envisioned when I  daydreamed about his birth. We met our nurse, who turned out to be amazing, got all the monitors on, and filled our room with my favorite playlist. The reassuring sound of Wilder's heartbeat played a steady background cadence bringing me even more peace.

I still hadn't progressed from Friday night so we decided to start a low dose of pitocin, another " I would never" from the me of the past.  That marked the beginning of lap after lap around the Labor and Delivery floor. I was basically willing contractions to happen, but kept replaying the reminder a friend gave me: "don't have expectations with being induced". Contractions would start, stay consistent for awhile, then wane off.  The pitocin drip would get turned up, more laps would get walked, repeat, repeat, repeat.  I'll admit, after a few hours I was beginning to feel discouraged and impatient.  I thought it'd be more like Wam Bam Baby! Not walk and wait. Eventually the midwife checked me and I had finally progressed to 4cm.  At that point she suggested breaking my water. We quickly agreed. I was ready for something, anything to happen.  And it most certainly did.  Breaking my water fast tracked my contractions.  I went from being able to laugh through them to swaying back and forth moaning through them and taking deep, measured breaths. I had heard during one of my prenatal yoga classes to imagine each contraction like a wave washing over me and going back out to sea, so with each contraction that's exactly what I would visualize.  In between contractions I had managed to request my playlist be changed to Without Words-Synesthesia by Bethel Music. It seems so minor, but it changed the entire ambiance in our room.  It was the perfect background for bringing our son into the world.

The next big question was when to get the epidural.  I didn't want to wait too long but I didn't want to jump the gun either.  I went with the suggestion of my nurse and midwife and didn't wait longer than 15 minutes of intense contractions to ask for it.  It was literally perfect timing.  Had I waited any longer, it would have been too late.  Truthfully, sitting through wave after wave of contractions in one position while the anesthesiologist did my epidural was torture.  I thought I was going to squeeze my husbands hand off.  Once the epidural was complete I finally got to lay down and could feel relief from the ever growing strength of contractions racking through my body.  I mentioned to my nurse that my right leg felt way more numb than my left so she helped me roll over onto my left side.  What I wasn't expecting a few minutes later was the worst contraction EVER tearing through my body.  It felt never ending.  I'm pretty sure my hulk grip was near breaking point on the bed! I panted through clenched teeth, "I thought I wasn't supposed to be feeling this!".  My nurse quickly turned down the pitocin drip and when the hell that trapped me motionless subsided she had me roll back onto my back to help evenly distribute the medicine from the epidural.  She checked me and quickly announced that it was go time. Baby was finally ready.

My midwife, who was also amazing, quickly positioned herself on the foot of my bed while my nurse and my husband helped with holding my legs.  My pain level was once again manageable and my midwife began to calmly coach me through how I would deliver our baby.  Everything about his delivery was surreal and beautiful. It was like slow motion but in the most fulfilling way. With my first push I held onto my knees and let out a low, slow groan.  My midwife told me to reach down and I could feel his head crowning. With the next contraction, I took another deep breath and pushed him out a little more, his presence slowly filling the room.  My midwife helped me deliver his shoulders and after that it was all me.  And yes, I say that with pride.  Another deep breath riding on the crest of the next contraction, I held him underneath his arms, slowly pushed one last time and pulled him onto my chest.  I laugh/cried while looking into my husbands face that was overcome with emotion.  We held each others  gaze as tears fell down my cheeks, and Wilder's cry filled the room.  The afternoon sun cast a glow in our room as our worship music, praising God, played in the background of one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.  I held Wilder, soaking him up for the first hour of his life uninterrupted.  Just my husband and I staring adoringly at him, marveling at how perfect his arrival into the world was. Our lives forever changed at 3:06 on January 20, 2020.

Sweet Wilder, you have completed us in ways I don't even think we are aware of yet.  We love you baby boy.