A New Journey

I've been going back and forth all week on how much I wanted to share about making baby #2! No, I'm not talking about the lovey sex stuff! Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm talking about the other stuff. The ovulation calculating, the "tried and true" methods to ensure a boy or girl, the "4 days sooner" pregnancy tests. The roller coaster of emotions are crazy. I'm bringing this up because Brody was our little surprise! Right family?!? Seriously though, we weren't trying for Brody, he was just an amazingly, happy accident. But this time around, actually trying, WoW, I'm beginning to understand what some of my friends went through trying to conceive.
I'm bringing it up because it has been all consuming. I try not to think about it every waking second, I try not to wonder "am I pregnant". Let's be realistic though, when you are actually trying, and you are longing for it, it takes up a permanent residence in the forefront of your thoughts! I have baby fever, I'll admit it, and having a precious newborn in the family definitely doesn't help. I may have had myself convinced I'd get pregnant on the first try, I mean, I proved to be pretty fertile when it came to Brody. But alas, I was wrong. After using an expired pregnancy test, a current pregnancy test and an excruciatingly long week later, I know I am not. I was holding out hope that they were both wrong. The first one I took with Brody was wrong. Which now that I am typing this the only thing popping in my head is "no two pregnancies are alike".
The thing I've learned thus far with trying, besides that even when you say you are just going to go with the flow, let what will happen happen, not worry one way or the other, is that the mind is a damn powerful thing! Curse you thoughts, for convincing me I was feeling pregnant. I was so sure. I was feeling things that I felt with Brody, signs, of course, that could only mean one thing. When we had decided to start really trying, I told myself that I wouldn't worry. That whatever happened would happen and that it wasn't a race. If it took the first time, great, if not no biggie. I wanted to enjoy being off of birth control, enjoy being done breastfeeding. In a way, it was like I finally had my body to myself, and I was going to celebrate. And while I celebrate we would noncommittally work on giving Brody a sibling.
This is a journey for our family as a whole, and for each of us individually. We will all feel things, some similar and some totally different. I know how badly Jeff wants another baby. And I know he wants that baby like yesterday. That's hard for me. When I told him the test was a big flashing, in my face negative, I could see the disappointment on his face. It's not like he was hiding, or needed to hide it. But secretly I wanted him to react differently I wanted him to say "it's ok hun, we'll keep trying". Instead it was more like "What?!? I was really looking forward to telling our friends why you weren't drinking!" It's actually kind of a sweet response, he would've been nothing but proud to tell them that. And even though I knew he didn't mean to make me feel bad, I did. I felt like I let my husband down. That it was somehow all my fault that I wasn't. I know he never once thought that. He wouldn't. And I know when it comes to being pregnant, he is nothing but supportive. He has a right to his feelings. I felt disappointed. He certainly has every right to feel that way too.
Why I am sharing this, and surprisingly why it is proving to help, is that 1) I know I'm not alone in the journey that is trying to get pregnant, and 2) putting how I am feeling into words helps me to see it with a fresh perspective. In the moment of every feeling, it seems more dramatic, more emotional. But reading what I felt helps me to reassess how I am reacting to everything. What I really want more than anything, is to live each day. Not today and the next week, but just TODAY. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. God has his timing. I will be pregnant again, I have no doubt, and the timing for that will happen when it happens. I want to be at peace with that. I don't want to run our lives according to calendars and time lines. If it do that I will stress too much about it, which will probably only hamper our attempts. I will just live each day and enjoy what I have in each day and when I am pregnant we will celebrate. I have a perfectly healthy little boy right in front of me, a hardworking loving husband and a roof over our heads, food on our table. I really have everything I need. We are extremely blessed.  Baby number two will be icing on our very sweet cake!
I guess you could say I'm having multiple journeys, multiple discoveries. I am learning to enjoy being ME in this life. A non-comparison life. I am learning to reacquaint myself with God and our relationship, and I am on a journey to grow our family. When it's put that way, it's pretty exciting! There's isn't room for disappointment.