Everyone is napping in our house but me. I'm sitting next to you watching your chest rise and fall. I had fully intended to lay down with you, in fact I did, but all I could do was stare. I stared, memorizing your tiny little features. Your little nose and chubby cheeks. Your perfect little pink pout, your small ears. Today you still seem like a newborn. Like I just brought you home, so small and fragile. I want to drink in every bit of you etching this moment into my memory. As I type this you are laying on your back making suckling motions with a closed mouth. I melt. It takes willpower not to put the computer down and lay you on my chest. It's one of your favorite ways to fall asleep. You may be thinking that's exactly what I should do, but I also feel like I am near bursting with emotions and I just have to get them out. It's rare the house is this quiet and I feel this free…no not free, I don't think I ever feel "free" I just have free time. If you can call it that. I can list off things I could be doing, but those things can wait. For now, I am content watching you sleep. Your are just so small yet growing, growing, growing. I've already started a pile of newborn clothes that no longer fit you. It kind of breaks my heart every time I see it. This all goes by too fast. You are starting to stir and I adore it. The jerky stretches. They almost seem to startle you. Tiny grunts are accompanied by a few spit bubbles. You aren't sure if you want to wake up or not. Your little legs curl up by your chest and you curl your fists under your chin. Then all settles, but not for long. Baby girl, I think you are getting hungry. You need me. Just me. I love the singularity of being a mother. Right now no one else in the world can give you what I can. You know me. You know my scent. And when I feed you, you curl your little body into mine. A perfect fit you and I.
I remember with your brother, I'd think "I can't wait until he holds his head up." or "I hope he rolls over soon." With you, sweet Lola, I feel differently. I want you to stay in each precious stage for as long as possible. That doesn't sound exactly right, but I just am not in a hurry for the next big milestone. Don't grow up any faster than you need to love. I want to savor every moment, every change big and small.
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